Sunday, 10 May 2020

Secrets...Your Questions Answered (Part One)

Into Me See, But...
Last Saturday (May 2nd) we had two platform meetings with two of our members and friends in this community. Here we spent time discussing the issue of “secrets” in relationships. They were quite exciting and revealing sessions. Below, and in the follow-up part, are reproductions of these sessions. Hoping you can take one or two things away from them, and also enjoy the sessions.

Session One:

Marriage Minute: Please help me in welcoming, Mr. Sunday J. Obot to the Platform. He is a Pastor (at the Faithful Believer Pentecostal Bible Church) and Behavioral Analyst, based in Abuja, Nigeria. He has been a member of the Marriage Minute Community since February 20th, 2017. You are welcome.

Sunny Obot: Thank you for having me here.

Sunny Obot: Most secrets are internal wounds that may not bring its effects now if not brought to light but will cause damage to the other parts of the body when it's too late.

Sunny Obot: My personal experience happened when I was in a relationship where I told her about a friend of mine, but I never told her I had something to do with that friend of mine. After a long while that friend happened to be her best friend and had always sought advice from this my present partner I was dating and one day we all bombed into ourselves, the introduction was like this was the guy I was seeking advice from you about and I can now see that he is your new date. That was how I was dumped and I couldn't make up for the relationship which I thought was going to lead to marriage.

Marriage Minute: Wow! Thanks for sharing. It reminds me of a question a friend posted on her wall. She narrated the case of a woman who was pregnant (with her husband's baby) when she got separated from her husband. Then, she had an affair during the short separation. That is to say, she got back with her husband but had an affair while they were separated. The question posed was, "should she tell her husband about the affair?" (Question #1) What do you think? What will your advice be to the lady?

Marriage Minute: In your specific situation, what could you have done better? What will you advise someone else who finds him/herself in your stead? (Question #2)

Sunny Obot: Be plain about any situation. It makes your relationship stronger. My advice is straight forward, “tell your partner the truth about your past so that you can both develop your weaknesses.”

Marriage Minute: I agree. Is there a specific list of things that might be off the range of things to let your fiancée/spouse know? (Question #3)

Sunny Obot: Things that should be out of range for your spouse to know include,

1. Other people's problems/issues.

2. Things that don't grow love in your relationship.

3. Things that can develop hatred for the family, etc.

Marriage Minute: Wow! Interesting. Wow! Thanks for sharing. I do agree. Obviously, when you seat in the position of a counselor like I do, there are a host of things people tell you about their lives. Some are often dramatic. So dramatic my own ears want to burst. It is all shared in confidence. So, it is all off-limit to sharing with someone else. Not even my spouse. It remains as "counselor-client" privilege. You have to earn the trust of people who come to you. Obviously, there might be exceptions to the rule. Like when/where there is criminal intent. "Wisdom is profitable to direct."

Marriage Minute: This brings me back to Question #1. You answered it in generality, but I need it answered in specifics. The reason being, the person involved might find her way here and read the answer herself. I don't want her to be left guessing as to the answer we are giving. So, for that reason, I'll take you back to Question #1.

Marriage Minute: [Question #1: "It reminds me of a question a friend posted on her wall. She narrated the case of a woman who was pregnant (with her husband's baby) when she got separated from her husband. Then she had an affair during the short separation. That is to say, she got back with her husband but had an affair while they were separated. The question posed was, "should she tell her husband about the affair?" (Question #1) What do you think? What will your advice be to the lady?"]

Sunny Obot: Please, she should tell her husband because “what goes around comes around.” If the husband finds out, it will break the structures of trust, future, and family. What she will lose and rebuild now will be less than what she will lose later. Now is the time to share secrets that can destroy your relationship later.

Marriage Minute: Absolutely! I solidly agree with you. You know hearing your own story, earlier on, kind of gave me confidence you'll be more at home with the question and what your counsel might be. Thanks for your candor. It is appreciated. We cannot change people's lives with half-truths, or lies. They need to go apply the same in the real world. And, the real world sieves out fakes, fast. It is a “mortal encounter.” Only the real things (truth) stands. Thanks, once again.

Marriage Minute: You know in my earlier response to my friend, in answer to question #1, I narrated a similar incident played out in a historic movie series, titled, "Rome."

Marriage Minute: ["Rome" is a British-American-Italian historical drama television series created by John Milius, William J. MacDonald, and Bruno Heller. The show's two seasons were broadcast on HBO, BBC Two, and Rai 2 between 2005 and 2007. They were later released on DVD and Blu-ray.]

Marriage Minute: In the film, Lucius Vorenus (a Roman Centurion) returned home to his family for the first time in years, as Julius Ceasar was returning to Rome. The sad thing was, he had been rumored as dead to his family. His wife’s (Niobe) sister’s (Lyde) husband (Evander Pulchio) took advantage of the situation to conjugate with her. A son, Lucius, resulted.

Marriage Minute: Vorenus arrives home to see Niobe carrying a baby, he was furious. Niobe reeling from the shock that her husband is alive manages to defend herself. "This baby is your grandson," she says indignantly, alleging Lucius was their first daughter’s (Vorena, 13). Niobe was scared Vorenus would kill her and the baby if she told him the truth. How did it end? Niobe never found peace in her lie. Vorenus finally found the truth out. Niobe committed suicide out of fear Vorenus would kill Lucius. Vorenus’ daughters and step-son did not forgive their father for Niobe's death. It was a whole nightmare for the whole family. That which was feared at the beginning eventually happened. Could this have been avoided by addressing issues from the very beginning? I think so.

Sunny Obot: It cost more when it's late.

Marriage Minute: It is a general saying, "anything that is done out of fear typically does not end well." Faith is the name of the game of life. You know the bible tells us "the just shall live by faith." Not fear. One can draw important corollaries from this. These include,

1. "The just shall not live by fear."

2. "The Unjust does not live by faith.

3. "If the unjust wants to live he/she will have to turn to faith."

4. "Faith is the key to life."

5. "Fear is the key to death."

6. "The choice is ours to make."

Marriage Minute: If we are to harness the fullness of wisdom, then it behooves us, to be honest with ourselves, our neighbors, and with God. Dishonesty does not change the basic truth and facts of life. It only attempts to mask it, seemingly postponing the evil day. The challenge is, that which is masked, or postponed, only grows in venom and intensity. It comes to bite when we least expect.

Marriage Minute: The right approach to life is to face the truth and be done with it. The person you see in the mirror is what you have today. You can make him/her better, but what you see is the starting point. What you have in your account is your present reality. It does not have to be your end result, but where you are today. Unless one faces reality, one cannot devise the right response/strategy to get better.

Marriage Minute: Thanks for doing this run with me. I do appreciate you. We will draw the curtain on this session for now. Unless there is a burst of clarifying questions. Thanks, for helping me make this happen. Thanks for tagging along with me. There was a prior post to this. For those interested, the link is provided below. The title is, "Secrets...What Secrets?" Blessings.

© 2020 Akin Akinbodunse


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