Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Sixteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Nine): Take The Mask Off - - IV

Suffering and Smiling

Do you prefer idealized fantasies to a flawed human partner? Really? Are you one taken over by pornography and the likes? You’d rather daydream, masturbate, etc. than go do the real thing? What are you running from? You know if you are such you are in prison. Right? The late Afro-beat maestro’s song line probably describes your situation adequately – “suffering and smiling.”

"Virtue has a veil, vice a mask." (Victor Hugo)

Do you consistently commit yourself to inappropriate or none available partners? Are you one drawn to married people, or people already in a committed relationship? That is nothing to be proud of. There are things in you keeping you away from taking ownership and mapping your own path. You are looking for someone who is already made or one you don’t have to be fully committed or responsible to. And, you think you are being smart. Really? You sure can do better. You can do with some mastery over your life. You can let yourself out of prison. You can take ownership of your journey.

One More Try (Gary Chapman)

"I learned in high school if I hold up an effigy, a mask, or a lie, that mask will get all the love, not me." (Lynn Breedlove)

There is nothing like having an “open marriage.” That is a perversion, an aberration of reality and truth. It is either marriage or it is not. Cheating is still cheating, no matter what coating people might want to give it. It is a perversion of marriage. Marriage is a commitment between two partners in all things, without exception. When people try to solve their commitment issues without understanding and addressing the roots they only run into deeper bondage. As Albert Einstein so rightly said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

"We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be." (Patrick Ruthless)

When people attempt to do otherwise they simply play out the textbook definition of insanity. And, we sure have a whole lot of that around. People thinking they are wise, are unknowingly drowning in their own stupidity. Along with the freedom to commit is the freedom not to commit. It is all a matter of choice. Therein is a dilemma. Therein is the price. There is a price to pay in committing; just as much as, there is a price in not committing. The price in committing might be immediate and obvious, while the price in not committing might be seemingly delayed and insidious. Nevertheless, it is there. Just as much as there are benefits in committing; there are also “seeming” benefits in not committing.

"People who are afraid of being themselves will end up working for those who are unafraid." (Caroline McHugh)

I Don't Want a Divorce ( Dr. David Clarke and William G. Clarke)

The only way in which you are going to get the best in any relationship is by a full commitment from the parties involved. For, commitment engenders one of the key pillars of a healthy, rewarding, life-giving, and fulfilling relationship. That is the pillar called, "TRUST." As Brian Tracy puts it, "To build trust, you always keep your word. You remain consistent and dependable in everything you say and do. You become the kind of team player who is utterly reliable in every situation. You never do or say anything that can shake this foundation of trust upon which a healthy relationship is built."

"Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion." (Jim Rohn) 

Fear of Intimacy: Understanding Why People Fear Intimacy

The key challenge for most of us is not knowing the right things to do. It is in living it out in the daily dealings of our life. That is truly where the rubber meets the road, and a whole lot of us crumble like a pack of cards. How so much more beautiful our marriages and lives, as a whole, will be if we all practice the truth we profess and seem to know. The stumbling blocks are in our mental pictures. Until we change these, our lives will NEVER change. And, that is a process. The important thing is seeing the need for it and starting. As Emerson puts it,

"Life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say (Warren Farrell)

Commitment issues are much closer home than each of us might have initially thought. “Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it's a relationship, a business, or a hobby.” (Neil Strauss) We all seem to know these but are plagued by demons from our past and experiences of life. These hold so intricately tight to us, we think our very life and existence depends on holding on to them. As Ronald A. Heifetz right says, “What people resist is not change per se, but loss.” And, another guru adds, "Don’t be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better."

"You don’t go into marriage looking for love. You go into marriage because you already love yourself and you want to share it with someone else." (Dr. Myles Munroe) 

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Nan Silver and John Gottman) 

Wisdom calls for us to let go and live. Wisdom calls that we resolve the issues of our past. Wisdom calls that we lay hold of our present and prepare for our future. It is time to hold that evading demon captive and break free from its chains. No fear here. No bondage here. Going for the fullness life has to offer. Are you ready for the game?

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

Link to Study Series:

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Fifteen)

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Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Fifteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Eight): Take the Mask Off - - III

Are you picky and have a pattern of faultfinding? You sure are going to have relationship issues with that kind of attitude. That is no curse, just a mere statement of fact. Being easily given to faultfinding is a symptom of imbalance. It is not the people with faults. Rather, it is your reflection in them. It is a reaction to the weakness in you, you see in others. Typically, the others are not the problem. The problem is that in you, you are being reminded of, and which you are running away from. To find peace with others you need to first find true peace with and in your own self.
                                           

 One More Try

"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering." (Miguel Ruiz)

Are you unable to recover from failed love relationships? You put too much of yourself into a relationship you don’t know how to find yourself after it is ended. This is yet another symptom of one with commitment issues. This is one who does not know where the punctuation marks are and should be. As good and as important as relationships are, they are not meant to control us. It is not a fix for our addictions, nor is it another drug on the shelf to be addicted to. The center of control needs to always reside in and with us. We are not slaves to relationships. "Relationship" was made for us, and not the reverse. You don't want to ever get this out of sync.

Wearing a mask wears you out. Faking it is fatiguing. The most exhausting activity is pretending to be what you know you aren’t. (Rick Warren)

Is there something about your attitude and lifestyle that discourages potential partners? We all can get better. None of us is perfect. We can each learn. We can grow. We can become the person of our dreams. It is possible. We are possible. And, this is irrespective of what our story or history might be. Our future has no respect for our past. We might not be able to change the past, but we can influence and change our today and our future. We each have the power to do that. We are not prisoners. We are free.

I Don't Want a Divorce

"Find yourself and express yourself in your own particular way. Express your love openly. Life is nothing, but a dream, and if you create your life with love, your dream becomes a masterpiece of art." (Don Miguel Ruiz)

Even if it might appear we are physically caged, we still can make the best of whatever situation or place we find ourselves. We are without excuse. We have heard enough of the same old story. We have heard enough of how you were treated, or not. You can break the cycle. You can start a new lineage. You can open a new page. You can take responsibility. You can live, again.

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking." (Albert Einstein)

The simple truth of life is “WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE” from our past. Yours might not be as dramatic does not exonerate you. The important thing is getting a hold of why we do what we do, and if it is not working for us, and our relationship, seek to make the right adjustments/changes.

There is a reason we do what we do. There is a reason we respond the way we do. And, we can change. We can make adjustments to produce the life we desire. We are without excuses. We were created with a brain, a mind, for a reason. There is a reason we can think.

It is so we can create the world and environment we desire, rather than be held captive. Never forget, our environment is a mercilessly reflection of who we are on the inside, irrespective of howmuch we think otherwise. If we don't conquer actively our environemnt, it will surely conquer us.

No vacuum is allowed to be. Life seeks equilibrium always.The question is equilibrium in whose favor?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life. He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Ignorance is no bliss. What we do not know is hurting and will hurt us. It is our responsibility to know. It is our responsibility to find out. It is our responsibility to ask. It is our responsibility to search. No one is going to do that for us. Others might help, but the onus is always on us to receive and implement as appropriate. We are the ones to make the right adjustments and fine-tuning until the results we seek are obtained. So, go conquer some fear today. Shed some of that baggage, holding so tightly to you. You can do it. It is possible. You are possible. Step out and live.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

Link to Study Series:

Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Fourteen)
Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Sixteen)

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Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Fourteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Seven): Take the Mask Off - - II

A boy sexually abused at the age of four (4) spends the rest of his life being uncomfortable with a particular smell. Something deep inside of him, that he does not understand, associates this with sexual perversion, but he does not know why. Somehow all his antennas go up whenever this smell is perceived. He has met people he has had to stay away from and be guarded because of this. To his surprise, he has met people who do not fit this stereotype just as well. As Emerson puts it,

“Fear always springs from ignorance.”

 Life Lessons

A man grew up with a drunkard father, who loved him to death when he was sober, but beat him when he was drunk. He grew up trying to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him but was usually wrong. His father had two sides, and they were nothing like each other. He still always wanted his approval and his looking for that in his relationships. The challenge is he keeps pulling away when someone gives too much. He keeps waiting to be clobbered. Why? That was how he grew up. Not having love, he seeks it. When he gets it, he is expectant of the sudden possible pain that might result.

"You are not your past, not your habits, not your compulsions. When you get to know who you are, anything becomes possible." (Deneen Roth)

Those were the cues and rewards he grew up with. Hence, the conflict in him and the corresponding effect in his relationships. Can you relate to this man’s predicament? Is there a way forward for him? Is there a way out? Will he ever get to enjoy a stable relationship? Do you know someone who has been through this, or is currently in such a predicament? Any help?

Until we get a grip on the things that seek to control us and live above them, we might just be living life below par. We need to get rid of our stereotypes. Life is not a straight jacket. There is much more to life than our preconceptions and biases. There is a fuller life awaiting us as we break beyond our fears. I don’t know what your own story might be, but yesterday is gone. All we can do with it is learn, not live perpetually in it. Today is here. It is for living and living life to its fullest measure. Tomorrow is a promise. It is for us to hope for the best, not be imprisoned by anxiety.

"Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." (Denis Waitley)

 Nice to a Fault: Redefining Kindness in Marriage

Faith, not fear, should always be our motivator. We should align our lives to be drawn towards what we want, rather than being consumed by fear of what we do not want. Fear is a terrible master, but a good servant. Our place is to make our fear work for us, not against us. We do this by gaining mastery over it. One of the primary ways of doing this is to determine what we truly want. What do we really want out of life? What do we want out of our relationships? What do we really want out of our marriage? What do we really want out of life? By doing this we call our higher nature to action.

How to Kill a Narcissist

By doing this we can live in the moment and be intentional. Our being is at its very best when we take the lead; when we take the lead over our life - our journey. It is at its best when we have goals we are pressing towards.

"Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction." (Melody Beattie)

In talking about goals, we are not here referring to fairy tales (make-belief, dissociative dreams). That is, goals we are expecting to just happen of their own accord, without our input. Those, in the true sense of the word, are not goals. They are fantasies, wishes – elusive dreams. Our reference, here, is too realistic, associative goals. Those are goals that have a bearing on who you are and NEED to be. These are goals which cost something. (Every good thing in life has a price tag.

My Marriage is Almost Dead and My Husband Doesn't Get it.

Things that typically are free have no value associated with them, nor do they endure, last.) For every goal you conjure, you have to be willing to become the person who will attract and sustain it. This is where the majority of us miss it. We want the world but are unwilling to pay the price. We expect to harvest where we have not sown. As James Allen rightly notes, “Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves.”

"There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between." (Pat Riley)

Hoping this does not describe you. Hoping you are one with skin in the game, and hands in the plow. For things to change, you will have to change. For things to become better, you will have to become better. Things respond to who you are.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

Links to Study Series:

Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Fifteen)

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Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Six): Take the Mask Off - - I

The fear of commitment is toxic to, and in, any relationship. The onus is on each of us to give it no hiding place. Rather, we are to root it out and gain mastery. The challenge we face is, it is not always that apparent, especially to the person under its grip. Unless we are able to rightly diagnose, we might simply be shooting blanks. The right approach is to take two steps backward, outside the frame, taking a holistic, bluntly honest view, and asking the right questions. We here take a stab at doing just that, looking at a few pointers and questions that might aid in hitting the nail on the head.

Conscious Uncoupling (Katherine Woodward Thomas)

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." - Norman Cousins.

A first pointer to those with gamophobia might be one who has been unable to sustain a committed relationship, no matter how hard, or often they try? Somehow, it just doesn’t seem to work out. Such are quick to give a verdict of doom and give up. The easy let off being the excuse, "there is no good partner out there." Really? You mean you are the only good one left? Which spaceship took all the good ones? How come it missed you? Of course you know much better. If you think yourself a good partner; if you think yourself faithful, then there sure are others, just as good and, possibly, even better. 

Wouldn't that be a fair assessment? Where then lies the issue? Where lies the challenge? How come such are always tagging the wrong ones? What is it about them that is attracting such? What is it that is making them available to the wrong ones? Could the problem be more insidious, than external? Could something in them be attracting such? Could something in them be making such look for love in all the wrong places? Could they be prisoners to their own habit(s)?

"Behind every mask, there is a face, and behind that a story." - Marty Rubin.

Break Your Bad Love Habits (Emily Rose)

Where then lies the issue? Where lies the challenge? How come such are always tagging the wrong ones? What is it about them that is attracting such? What is it that is making them available to the wrong ones? Could the problem be more insidious, than external? Could something in them be attracting such? Could something in them be making such persons look for love in all the wrong places? Could they be prisoners to their own habit(s)?

"There is no smoke without fire." - English Idiom.

What is it about you that drives you into relationships? Why do you think you have to be in a relationship? Have you learned to be at peace with and enjoy your own company? Have you dated yourself? Or, is there something in you that is driving you out? Do you have the place you are bringing your partner to, just as you are willing to share theirs? Or, are you homeless desperately seeking shelter. (And, you know I am not referring to a physical shelter. I am talking of something deeper.) 

Are you always in need of others to make you whole? There just might be something amiss. Don't you think? You need to first resolve that before running into your next relationship. And, if you are already in one, you know you have work to do. Right? Let's get to work.

"If you want people to love you for who you are, take the mask off." - Quetzal.

The Naked Marriage (Dave and Ashley Willis)

Back in February of 2016, I had R.A. (from Kenya) seek counsel to get her life together. She had been in several failed relationships and was on the verge of another one failing. She was at the end of her road, as far as relationships go. She was desperate for change. She wanted to get a grasp of her life. R.A. had been looking for something in all her relationships. She was looking for affirmation. She looked for it in all the wrong places. What R.A. ought to look for and find in herself, she was looking for out of herself. Through counseling, R.A. learned the reason for her hunger, the importance of being at home with her own self, and has since been living a victorious life. Early in May of 2016, R.A. sent the note below,

“I thank you for changing my life and perception about life. I have learnt to appreciate my own company. And, I have had peace. Thanks a lot. I have realized that happiness starts from within, and you need to enjoy your own company before you can enjoy the company of others.”

 The Fear of Intimacy (Robert W. Firestone)

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." - Agnes Repplier. 

"Behind every mask, there is a face, and behind that a story." - Marty Rubin.

Are you one with an intense need to maintain independence and a single lifestyle? Are you overly conscious of your wings being clipped? Do you see marriage and/or a committed relationship as a means of someone trying to “clip your wings?” Are you a slave of and to control? Do you have to have every T crossed and every I dotted? Really? Seriously? You think you are some superhuman, demigod, or what? Things are not in their proper place. There are demons on your trail, and you are yet to arrest, address, and hold them captive.

"An important part of being in a successful relationship is to give up trying to control other people, especially your spouse or partner." - Fran Walfish, PhD.

You can do this with some re-arrangement and optimization. You need to stop running and face up to your demons? You can't run for the rest of your life, making everyone else life miserable. Your demons are your own shadow. You cannot continue running from them. It’s time you face up to the issues of your past. Learn the lessons and give yourself room to live again.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

Link to Study Series:

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Twelve)
Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Fourteen)

Links to Related Articles:

Secrets...What Secrets?

Links to Other Resources:

Advice to a Young Wife from An Old Mistress (Michael Drury)
The Gift of Change (Marianne Williamson)

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Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Twelve)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Five): Disperse the Fog - - III 

Next on the list are fears occasioned by some health issue or the other. People with such tend to feel incomplete, or inadequate. Only this week, I was sharing with someone who was born with one of his eyes half shut. It had stolen his confidence. Hence, he had not grown to love and accept himself. By so doing, he leaves no room for others, especially a potential future partner to love him. By not accepting and loving himself, he was shutting the door and passage for receiving and accepting love from others.

"Fear, uncertainty, and discomfort are your compasses towards growth. If you run you stand a chance of losing, but if you don't run you're already lost." (Barack Obama)

And, there are several other examples out there. People who think they are too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, no hands, no legs, no butt, no boost, no chest, blind, deaf, and the list continues. Just as the examples of seeming limitations abound, so also examples of people who have overcome and thrived in spite of these. Your case is no different.

"All the concepts about stepping out of your comfort zone mean nothing until you decide that your essential purpose, vision, and goals are more important than your self-imposed limitations." (Robert White)

Stephen Covey, in his book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", tells about two circles. The first, "The Circle of Influence," and the second, "The Circle of Concern." The Circle of Influence is harnessed inside the Circle of Concern. The Circle of Concern encompasses all the things that affect us in one way or the other. Hence, they are the things we can be concerned about or worried about. Such includes, the weather, the government, our health (including the various maladies listed above), world politics, the economy, etc. The Circle of Influence includes things in our Circle of Concern, which we can affect. That is, we can do something about it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." (Reinhold Niebuhr)

Harnessed in the Circle of Influence is another circle - "The Circle of Control or Commitment." This includes the things we actually commit to and take action on. This is the most important of the three circles, for it determines the quality of our life. Being able to affect something is not enough. That is only less than half the story. We have to commit to and actually do something about it. The more we do the more our self-esteem, self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, etc. grows. And, the stronger, bolder and brighter (both inside and outside) we become.

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret." (Miguel Ruiz)

The more we proactively work on our Circle of Control the bigger it, and the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern gets, and the better the quality of our life. The more we sit back and complain, worry, and fret the smaller our Circle of Control and Circle of Influence gets. And, the more out of control and downhill our life gets. The ball is always in our court. The call is ours to make. Rather than focusing on the things we can do nothing about, (like the way we were born, etc.) wisdom beckons on us to focus on the things we can do something about, step out, and actually do something.

"Don’t spend the time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door." (Coco Chanel)

Some health issues might limit us, but nothing ever takes all our options away, for as long as we are alive. The health issue might have reduced our options, but "reduce" is the word. We still have options. It is up to us to make the best of what we have. The more we do, the more new options open. There are always things we can do. Those things are the ones which will bring us exaltation and entrance into our promised land, whatever that might be. Those who focus on their circle of influence understand life is not, and never is about what they have, or not. It is always about who they are and are becoming. That is all that makes the difference in the whole wide world. That is who their potential spouse will fall in love with. That is who their spouse will get to live with. That is what makes a marriage. It is not about the possession (be it physical, material, psychological or spiritual), but rather about the people in it.

"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be." (Sonia Ricotta)

Speak well over your life. Expect all that you want, not all you don't want. It is your life. Treat it well. You don't have to cross every "T." You don't have to dot every "I." There is no life in that. Work on the essential few and entrust the rest to providence. Never forget. You are not God, nor is life expecting that. There is only so much you can do. You are limited. Life is focusing your limitedness on the things that move the needle, and not everything. Life is waiting for you. Go and take a hold of it. You got all it takes. You were made for a day such as this. Go embrace life. Go forth and live. 

"Turn wishful thinking into positive action. Those who take a proactive stance in their lives tend to have an ample supply of joy and pleasure." (Cheryl Saban)

Your getting into a relationship is to bless your partner not be at the mercy of him/her. You got all it takes to stand on your own two feet.

You are no parasite. You are nothing to be used.

You are a treasure. You are desirable. You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved. You are whole.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

Links to Series:

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Eleven)
Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)

Links to Related Articles:

Decent or Hatched:

What Are You Telling Yourself?

Who Are You? Who Are You Becoming?

Links to Other Resources:

You are Enough (Rainie Howard)
12 Rules of Life (Jordan B. Peterson)
Tears to Triumph (Marianne Williamson)

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