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| The Other Side of Me |
Secrets - It's the Way You Wear Them:
Secrets, I guess you want to get as comfortable as possible with them as soon as you can, lest someone somewhere sees it as a weapon against you. Or, you spend your days worrying about what might become of you when exposed. WHATEVER HAPPENED in the yesterdays of our lives is simply water under the bridge. There is nothing we can do about them. We cannot go back and change the hand of the clock. And, really, it does not matter what they are.
Body counts, abortions, incest, sexual abuse, rape, nude pictures, physical condition, sex change, etc. They are all water under the bridge. There is nothing you can do about them. You cannot go back to change the past. It is all bygone. However, that does not mean some mean souls will not want to hunt you with them if they know. Or, you could be wary of some who already know “spilling the beans.”
The truth is you CANNOT afford to live your life in bondage to anyone or thing. You are who you are today. It does not matter the road you took in getting here. The important thing is the way you wear it. Is it holding you captive, or are you tapping from the lessons learned, wisdom gained, and strengths endowed? Are you allowing it to soak and weigh you down? Or, are you ensuring they are “water off the back of a duck?” And, releasing and relieving yourself of the weight?
The truth is you CANNOT afford to live your life in bondage to anyone or thing. You are who you are today. It does not matter the road you took in getting here. The important thing is the way you wear it. Is it holding you captive, or are you tapping from the lessons learned, wisdom gained, and strengths endowed? Are you allowing it to soak and weigh you down? Or, are you ensuring they are “water off the back of a duck?” And, releasing and relieving yourself of the weight?
Congratulations! You Are Human.
You are human, and humans' basic characteristics are, "they are susceptible to, and do make mistakes." Congratulations! Welcome to the real world. Welcome to the human experience. You passed the test. You are human! You did what you did yesterday with the resources available, or not, to you. Today is another day. It is a miracle. What are you making of it? That is what is important between heaven and earth.
You are not God! Eureka! I guess you were not aware of that prior. If your past is still holding you, prisoner, then you are, of all men or women, most miserable. The past is not meant to hold you captive but rather to release you to the future of your dreams. And, it does not matter what past it is that you have. You’ll not be the first to have passed through such an avenue. Nor will you be the last. And, guess what, there is a multitude who have and are making it despite such history.
“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.” (Paul Tournier)
“Concealing negative personal information lowered subjects’ tolerance of pain.” (Ahmet Uysal, Ph.D.)
“Self-forgiveness is always critical to helping someone move past whatever secret that is.“ (Sam von Reiche)
“Secrets do create a lot of separation from other people, and they also prevent you from feeling truly authentic.“ (Sam von Reiche)
“The average person keeps thirteen secrets, five of which he or she has never shared with anyone else.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
Nothing New Under the Sun:
So, get off your back. There is nothing new under the sun. This is the place of maturity God wants each of us to get. If it did not kill you, then it only came to make you strong and stronger. Live in gratitude for the life you have. Live in gratitude that your past did not kill you. You still have a chance at life. You are a miracle. In fact, you are a miracle worker. Get to work! Our past ought not to use us. We are not victims. It happened! It happened!! It happened!!!
There is no denying that fact, but that is not the end of the story. There is more. It happened "for" us, not to us. There is strength. There is the wisdom we can take from it to live the present and future of our dreams. And, I am not saying this is easy. No! No!! No!!! Life was never meant to be easy. That is why it is called LIFE, not DEATH. Death is easy. Life takes the whole of you. The important thing, though, is that it is possible. You are possible.
There is a price to pay, but it is possible, and you are enough. You've got what it takes to cross the river.
"Greatness is born of ordinary men who decided to work extraordinarily hard." (Craig D. Lounsbrough)
"A whole lot of people will rather give up than try. If only we try we will get to find out the acres of diamond our lives are resting on. Let the epitaph on my tombstone be "He died trying" and not regrets."
Honesty and Trust:
When it comes to marriage, you owe your spouse-to-be a knowledge of who he or she is covenanting with. What the person needs is a picture, especially as it might affect him or her. He or she needs to know what he or she is entering into. You can spare the gory details. If you have a spouse-to-be that is so after and digging into unnecessary details, that person is probably the wrong candidate. Heed the warning and wait for the right spouse.
"Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of honesty and trust." — Dave Willis.
Don’t let anyone put a label on you that is not yours. You are not damaged-good. You might have been broken, but you are not damaged. You might have been abused, but you are not forsaken. Rise up and live. Now, if there are health issues, especially that your spouse-to-be might be exposed to, you owe him or her that much. You have no right to expose another human being to that which he or she has not willingly entered into.
Never Yield Your Life's Driver Seat:
Never Yield Your Life's Driver Seat:
NO SECRET should have the rulership over you. You are called to bear rule over the affairs of your life. The mere covering of a wound does not heal it. You got to wake the sleeping dog and address the issues involved. Some issues might require professional counseling, therapists, etc. So, go get the help that you need. Whatever it takes, live!
There is no use merely existing, with no “en-theos” (enthusiasm, the god nature within). You are more. There is more in you. There is the voice of a king on the inside of you. Give it expression. Wear your history with pride. Frame it in a way that empowers you and releases you to go out, and win the battles and warfare of life.
You are a victor. Let no one or experience of life ever take that away from you.
© 2020 Akin Akinbodunse
More Thoughts on Secrets:
“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.” (Paul Tournier)
“Concealing negative personal information lowered subjects’ tolerance of pain.” (Ahmet Uysal, Ph.D.)
“Self-forgiveness is always critical to helping someone move past whatever secret that is.“ (Sam von Reiche)
“Secrets do create a lot of separation from other people, and they also prevent you from feeling truly authentic.“ (Sam von Reiche)
“The average person keeps thirteen secrets, five of which he or she has never shared with anyone else.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“Couples cited honesty and open communication as the two most important elements of a successful, lasting relationship.” (Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.)
“Important, unhappy” secrets had negative effects on health and tended to cause more shame and guilt than revealing them did.” (Belgian Researchers)
“Secrets close doors between people. The secret-keeper has to skirt important subjects and becomes silent when the conversation gets too close.” (Jane Isay)
“Secrets are largely solitary creatures and can be tamed with company. Talking about it with another person will really go a long way.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“Highly moralistic people will find it torturous to hold on to a secret, and for them, it can lead to IBS, anxiety, and chest pains, absolutely.” (Dr. Christine Hyde, Ph.D.)
“Revealing secrets to narcissists only gives them more ammunition to degrade you, which really goes back to the quality of a relationship.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
“Keeping secrets from a partner makes him or her less trustful of the secret-keeper, which creates a cycle that ultimately damages the relationship.” (Ahmet Uysal, Ph.D.)
“Secrets become a problem because our minds tend to wander toward the secrets we’re keeping, which can lead to a reduced sense of well-being. ” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“When asked what they regretted most, the number one answer from long-term couples was that they weren’t able to be fully honest with their partners.” (Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.)
“Secret-keeping in marriage may largely be motivated by fear of exposure, fear of rejection, self-centeredness, or by a sense of personal shame and embarrassment.” (Denise J. Charles)
“If you’re cheating and your partner thinks she’s in a faithful and monogamous relationship, you’re robbing her of her free will to make informed decisions about your relationship.” (Dr. Christine Hyde, Ph.D.)
“It can be unhealthy to reveal certain parts of ourselves if there are people close to us that would be very unaccepting of it, because of the pain and the separation that that would cause to reveal that.” (Bobbie McDonald)
“Unloading secrets helps people to stop stewing about the secret and thus increases the self-esteem of the revealer — but only when the person to whom they confess has a positive response.” (Study at University of Santa Barbara)
“The sentiment among many of who hold to their secret includes, "nobody else could possibly understand what I'm going through, so I'm not going to tell anyone." Anonymity makes it more comfortable.” (Kevin Hansen)
“When we asked them if they wanted their partners to be honest about what might’ve gone on when their partners were away in the military, most said they wanted to know. It helped cement relationships.” (Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.)
“Secrecy is less an activity than a state of being. We don’t keep secrets; we have them. And what’s harmful about a secret isn’t the content so much as the mind’s need to keep revisiting it and turning it over—not the murder itself but the incessant beating of the telltale heart.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“Even if you’re never caught in a lie and don’t feel anxious about the secrets you’re keeping from your partner, marriages can suffer slow and subtle negative effects due to secrets and lying. For one thing, the mind-wandering aspect of secret-keeping...undeniably saps attention from your primary relationship.” (Virginia Pelley)
“It’s really sad when someone opens up, and their partner rejects them. Hopefully, your partner sees value in sharing secrets that deal with authenticity, difficult experiences, and/or learning from mistakes. If revealing a secret to your partner causes them to reject you, then it may not be a good-quality relationship in the first place.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
“At the most basic level, we’re about survival, and by connecting with people on a primal level, we improve our chances of survival. When we keep secrets or are being deceptive because we think we’ll be rejected by people, it increases the body’s insulin and cortisol, can create heart palpitations, and affect the brain. These effects depend heavily upon the individual.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
Link to Study Series:
Secrets...Your Questions Answered (Part One)
“Important, unhappy” secrets had negative effects on health and tended to cause more shame and guilt than revealing them did.” (Belgian Researchers)
“Secrets close doors between people. The secret-keeper has to skirt important subjects and becomes silent when the conversation gets too close.” (Jane Isay)
“Secrets are largely solitary creatures and can be tamed with company. Talking about it with another person will really go a long way.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“Highly moralistic people will find it torturous to hold on to a secret, and for them, it can lead to IBS, anxiety, and chest pains, absolutely.” (Dr. Christine Hyde, Ph.D.)
“Revealing secrets to narcissists only gives them more ammunition to degrade you, which really goes back to the quality of a relationship.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
“Keeping secrets from a partner makes him or her less trustful of the secret-keeper, which creates a cycle that ultimately damages the relationship.” (Ahmet Uysal, Ph.D.)
“Secrets become a problem because our minds tend to wander toward the secrets we’re keeping, which can lead to a reduced sense of well-being. ” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“When asked what they regretted most, the number one answer from long-term couples was that they weren’t able to be fully honest with their partners.” (Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.)
“Secret-keeping in marriage may largely be motivated by fear of exposure, fear of rejection, self-centeredness, or by a sense of personal shame and embarrassment.” (Denise J. Charles)
“If you’re cheating and your partner thinks she’s in a faithful and monogamous relationship, you’re robbing her of her free will to make informed decisions about your relationship.” (Dr. Christine Hyde, Ph.D.)
“It can be unhealthy to reveal certain parts of ourselves if there are people close to us that would be very unaccepting of it, because of the pain and the separation that that would cause to reveal that.” (Bobbie McDonald)
“Unloading secrets helps people to stop stewing about the secret and thus increases the self-esteem of the revealer — but only when the person to whom they confess has a positive response.” (Study at University of Santa Barbara)
“The sentiment among many of who hold to their secret includes, "nobody else could possibly understand what I'm going through, so I'm not going to tell anyone." Anonymity makes it more comfortable.” (Kevin Hansen)
“When we asked them if they wanted their partners to be honest about what might’ve gone on when their partners were away in the military, most said they wanted to know. It helped cement relationships.” (Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.)
“Secrecy is less an activity than a state of being. We don’t keep secrets; we have them. And what’s harmful about a secret isn’t the content so much as the mind’s need to keep revisiting it and turning it over—not the murder itself but the incessant beating of the telltale heart.” (Michael Slepian, Ph.D.)
“Even if you’re never caught in a lie and don’t feel anxious about the secrets you’re keeping from your partner, marriages can suffer slow and subtle negative effects due to secrets and lying. For one thing, the mind-wandering aspect of secret-keeping...undeniably saps attention from your primary relationship.” (Virginia Pelley)
“It’s really sad when someone opens up, and their partner rejects them. Hopefully, your partner sees value in sharing secrets that deal with authenticity, difficult experiences, and/or learning from mistakes. If revealing a secret to your partner causes them to reject you, then it may not be a good-quality relationship in the first place.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
“At the most basic level, we’re about survival, and by connecting with people on a primal level, we improve our chances of survival. When we keep secrets or are being deceptive because we think we’ll be rejected by people, it increases the body’s insulin and cortisol, can create heart palpitations, and affect the brain. These effects depend heavily upon the individual.” (Dr. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.)
Link to Study Series:
Secrets...Your Questions Answered (Part One)
Links to Related Studies:
Flaws and All
Transparency and Vulnerability
Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)
Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Sixteen)
Knowing Myself is the Key to Knowing Others (Part Nine)
Transparency and Vulnerability
Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)
Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Sixteen)
Knowing Myself is the Key to Knowing Others (Part Nine)
Resources for Further Study:
- Love Sense (Dr. Sue Johnson)
- The Relationship Cure (John Gottman)
- Relationship Help (AJohn and Jenny Marks)
- 30 Lessons for Loving (Karl Pillemer Ph.D.)
- The Secret Life of Families (Evans Imber-black)
- I Love You But I Don't Trust You (Mira Kirshenbaum)
- Communication in Marriage (Marcus and Ashley Kusi)
- Mindful Relationship Habits (S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport)
- Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away (Gary Chapman)
- The Relationship Cure (John Gottman)
- Relationship Help (AJohn and Jenny Marks)
- 30 Lessons for Loving (Karl Pillemer Ph.D.)
- The Secret Life of Families (Evans Imber-black)
- I Love You But I Don't Trust You (Mira Kirshenbaum)
- Communication in Marriage (Marcus and Ashley Kusi)
- Mindful Relationship Habits (S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport)
- Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away (Gary Chapman)
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