Saturday, 2 September 2017

Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Thirteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Six): Take the Mask Off - - I
The fear of commitment is toxic to, and in, any relationship. The onus is on each of us to give it no hiding place. Rather, we are to root it out and gain mastery. The challenge we face is, it is not always that apparent, especially to the person under its grip. Unless we are able to rightly diagnose, we might simply be shooting blanks. The right approach is to take two steps backward, outside the frame, taking a holistic, bluntly honest view, and asking the right questions. We here take a stab at doing just that, looking at a few pointers and questions that might aid in hitting the nail on the head.

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." - Norman Cousins.
A first pointer to those with gamophobia might be one who has been unable to sustain a committed relationship, no matter how hard, or often they try? Somehow, it just doesn’t seem to work out. Such are quick to give a verdict of doom and give up. The easy let off being the excuse, "there is no good partner out there." Really? You mean you are the only good one left? Which spaceship took all the good ones? How come it missed you? Of course you know much better. If you think yourself a good partner; if you think yourself faithful, then there sure are others, just as good and, possibly, even better. 

Wouldn't that be a fair assessment? Where then lies the issue? Where lies the challenge? How come such are always tagging the wrong ones? What is it about them that is attracting such? What is it that is making them available to the wrong ones? Could the problem be more insidious, than external? Could something in them be attracting such? Could something in them be making such look for love in all the wrong places? Could they be prisoners to their own habit(s)?
"Behind every mask, there is a face, and behind that a story." - Marty Rubin.

Where then lies the issue? Where lies the challenge? How come such are always tagging the wrong ones? What is it about them that is attracting such? What is it that is making them available to the wrong ones? Could the problem be more insidious, than external? Could something in them be attracting such? Could something in them be making such persons look for love in all the wrong places? Could they be prisoners to their own habit(s)?
"There is no smoke without fire." - English Idiom.
What is it about you that drives you into relationships? Why do you think you have to be in a relationship? Have you learned to be at peace with and enjoy your own company? Have you dated yourself? Or, is there something in you that is driving you out? Do you have the place you are bringing your partner to, just as you are willing to share theirs? Or, are you homeless desperately seeking shelter. (And, you know I am not referring to a physical shelter. I am talking of something deeper.) 

Are you always in need of others to make you whole? There just might be something amiss. Don't you think? You need to first resolve that before running into your next relationship. And, if you are already in one, you know you have work to do. Right? Let's get to work.
"If you want people to love you for who you are, take the mask off." - Quetzal.

Back in February of 2016, I had R.A. (from Kenya) seek counsel to get her life together. She had been in several failed relationships and was on the verge of another one failing. She was at the end of her road, as far as relationships go. She was desperate for change. She wanted to get a grasp of her life. R.A. had been looking for something in all her relationships. She was looking for affirmation. She looked for it in all the wrong places. What R.A. ought to look for and find in herself, she was looking for out of herself. Through counseling, R.A. learned the reason for her hunger, the importance of being at home with her own self, and has since been living a victorious life. Early in May of 2016, R.A. sent the note below,
“I thank you for changing my life and perception about life. I have learnt to appreciate my own company. And, I have had peace. Thanks a lot. I have realized that happiness starts from within, and you need to enjoy your own company before you can enjoy the company of others.”

 The Fear of Intimacy (Robert W. Firestone)
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." - Agnes Repplier. 
"Behind every mask, there is a face, and behind that a story." - Marty Rubin.
Are you one with an intense need to maintain independence and a single lifestyle? Are you overly conscious of your wings being clipped? Do you see marriage and/or a committed relationship as a means of someone trying to “clip your wings?” Are you a slave of and to control? Do you have to have every T crossed and every I dotted? Really? Seriously? You think you are some superhuman, demigod, or what? Things are not in their proper place. There are demons on your trail, and you are yet to arrest, address, and hold them captive.
"An important part of being in a successful relationship is to give up trying to control other people, especially your spouse or partner." - Fran Walfish, PhD.
You can do this with some re-arrangement and optimization. You need to stop running and face up to your demons? You can't run for the rest of your life, making everyone else life miserable. Your demons are your own shadow. You cannot continue running from them. It’s time you face up to the issues of your past. Learn the lessons and give yourself room to live again.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

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