Saturday 9 September 2017

Fighting the Enemies of Marriage (Part Fourteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Seven): Take the Mask Off - - II
A boy sexually abused at the age of four (4) spends the rest of his life being uncomfortable with a particular smell. Something deep inside of him, that he does not understand, associates this with sexual perversion, but he does not know why. Somehow all his antennas go up whenever this smell is perceived. He has met people he has had to stay away from and be guarded because of this. To his surprise, he has met people who do not fit this stereotype just as well. As Emerson puts it,
“Fear always springs from ignorance.”

A man grew up with a drunkard father, who loved him to death when he was sober, but beat him when he was drunk. He grew up trying to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him but was usually wrong. His father had two sides, and they were nothing like each other. He still always wanted his approval and his looking for that in his relationships. The challenge is he keeps pulling away when someone gives too much. He keeps waiting to be clobbered. Why? That was how he grew up. Not having love, he seeks it. When he gets it, he is expectant of the sudden possible pain that might result.
"You are not your past, not your habits, not your compulsions. When you get to know who you are, anything becomes possible." (Deneen Roth)
Those were the cues and rewards he grew up with. Hence, the conflict in him and the corresponding effect in his relationships. Can you relate to this man’s predicament? Is there a way forward for him? Is there a way out? Will he ever get to enjoy a stable relationship? Do you know someone who has been through this, or is currently in such a predicament? Any help?

Until we get a grip on the things that seek to control us and live above them, we might just be living life below par. We need to get rid of our stereotypes. Life is not a straight jacket. There is much more to life than our preconceptions and biases. There is a fuller life awaiting us as we break beyond our fears. I don’t know what your own story might be, but yesterday is gone. All we can do with it is learn, not live perpetually in it. Today is here. It is for living and living life to its fullest measure. Tomorrow is a promise. It is for us to hope for the best, not be imprisoned by anxiety.
"Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." (Denis Waitley)

Faith, not fear, should always be our motivator. We should align our lives to be drawn towards what we want, rather than being consumed by fear of what we do not want. Fear is a terrible master, but a good servant. Our place is to make our fear work for us, not against us. We do this by gaining mastery over it. One of the primary ways of doing this is to determine what we truly want. What do we really want out of life? What do we want out of our relationships? What do we really want out of our marriage? What do we really want out of life? By doing this we call our higher nature to action.

By doing this we can live in the moment and be intentional. Our being is at its very best when we take the lead; when we take the lead over our life - our journey. It is at its best when we have goals we are pressing towards.
"Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction." (Melody Beattie)
In talking about goals, we are not here referring to fairy tales (make-belief, dissociative dreams). That is, goals we are expecting to just happen of their own accord, without our input. Those, in the true sense of the word, are not goals. They are fantasies, wishes – elusive dreams. Our reference, here, is too realistic, associative goals. Those are goals that have a bearing on who you are and NEED to be. These are goals which cost something. (Every good thing in life has a price tag.

Things that typically are free have no value associated with them, nor do they endure, last.) For every goal you conjure, you have to be willing to become the person who will attract and sustain it. This is where the majority of us miss it. We want the world but are unwilling to pay the price. We expect to harvest where we have not sown. As James Allen rightly notes, “Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves.”
"There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between." (Pat Riley)
Hoping this does not describe you. Hoping you are one with skin in the game, and hands in the plow. For things to change, you will have to change. For things to become better, you will have to become better. Things respond to who you are.

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse

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