Saturday, 7 October 2017

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Sixteen)

Overcoming The Fear of Commitment (Part Nine): Take The Mask Off - - IV
Suffering and Smiling
Do you prefer idealized fantasies to a flawed human partner? Really? Are you one taken over by pornography and the likes? You’d rather daydream, masturbate, etc. than go do the real thing? What are you running from? You know if you are such you are in prison. Right? The late Afro-beat maestro’s song line probably describes your situation adequately – “suffering and smiling.”
"Virtue has a veil, vice a mask." (Victor Hugo)
Do you consistently commit yourself to inappropriate or none available partners? Are you one drawn to married people, or people already in a committed relationship? That is nothing to be proud of. There are things in you keeping you away from taking ownership and mapping your own path. You are looking for someone who is already made or one you don’t have to be fully committed or responsible to. And, you think you are being smart. Really? You sure can do better. You can do with some mastery over your life. You can let yourself out of prison. You can take ownership of your journey.

"I learned in high school if I hold up an effigy, a mask, or a lie, that mask will get all the love, not me." (Lynn Breedlove)
There is nothing like having an “open marriage.” That is a perversion, an aberration of reality and truth. It is either marriage or it is not. Cheating is still cheating, no matter what coating people might want to give it. It is a perversion of marriage. Marriage is a commitment between two partners in all things, without exception. When people try to solve their commitment issues without understanding and addressing the roots they only run into deeper bondage. As Albert Einstein so rightly said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
"We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be." (Patrick Ruthless)
When people attempt to do otherwise they simply play out the textbook definition of insanity. And, we sure have a whole lot of that around. People thinking they are wise, are unknowingly drowning in their own stupidity. Along with the freedom to commit is the freedom not to commit. It is all a matter of choice. Therein is a dilemma. Therein is the price. There is a price to pay in committing; just as much as, there is a price in not committing. The price in committing might be immediate and obvious, while the price in not committing might be seemingly delayed and insidious. Nevertheless, it is there. Just as much as there are benefits in committing; there are also “seeming” benefits in not committing.
"People who are afraid of being themselves will end up working for those who are unafraid." (Caroline McHugh)

The only way in which you are going to get the best in any relationship is by a full commitment from the parties involved. For, commitment engenders one of the key pillars of a healthy, rewarding, life-giving, and fulfilling relationship. That is the pillar called, "TRUST." As Brian Tracy puts it, "To build trust, you always keep your word. You remain consistent and dependable in everything you say and do. You become the kind of team player who is utterly reliable in every situation. You never do or say anything that can shake this foundation of trust upon which a healthy relationship is built."
"Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion." (Jim Rohn) 

The key challenge for most of us is not knowing the right things to do. It is in living it out in the daily dealings of our life. That is truly where the rubber meets the road, and a whole lot of us crumble like a pack of cards. How so much more beautiful our marriages and lives, as a whole, will be if we all practice the truth we profess and seem to know. The stumbling blocks are in our mental pictures. Until we change these, our lives will NEVER change. And, that is a process. The important thing is seeing the need for it and starting. As Emerson puts it,
"Life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

Commitment issues are much closer home than each of us might have initially thought. “Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it's a relationship, a business, or a hobby.” (Neil Strauss) We all seem to know these but are plagued by demons from our past and experiences of life. These hold so intricately tight to us, we think our very life and existence depends on holding on to them. As Ronald A. Heifetz right says, “What people resist is not change per se, but loss.” And, another guru adds, "Don’t be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better."
"You don’t go into marriage looking for love. You go into marriage because you already love yourself and you want to share it with someone else." (Dr. Myles Munroe) 
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Nan Silver and John Gottman) 
Wisdom calls for us to let go and live. Wisdom calls that we resolve the issues of our past. Wisdom calls that we lay hold of our present and prepare for our future. It is time to hold that evading demon captive and break free from its chains. No fear here. No bondage here. Going for the fullness life has to offer. Are you ready for the game?

© 2017 Akin Akinbodunse


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