Wednesday, 16 September 2020

To The Singles With Love: Be Humble (Part Three): Neuroticism

'Got it Together

“Be able to decline a date so gracefully that the person isn’t embarrassed that he or she asked.” ― Marilyn vos Savant.

Keeping the House:

Believe me, I tried to get back better than I did last time, but here I am again after three weeks. Maybe I should just settle for every three (3) weeks. I could, but that will mean falling to a lower standard than I normally hold myself. So, I am going to stay with the target of weekly. Will keep pressing for it.

I am sure many of you appreciate how busy a schedule I run and how many balls I am juggling. That is not to make excuses for me but to let you know you are important and special. Any delay in getting back is never intentional nor a belittling of what is taking place here. It is simply the reality of my being human and hence limited. Please bear with me.

A warm welcome to all of you keying into this for the first time. I am honored to have you on board. A quick reminder to everyone: "this is a communication channel." Communication requires a two-way transmission. I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU. Let me know how this is working for you. Please.

Feel free to ask questions. Never forget quality questions lead to quality answers. Questions are the instrument by which you draw that which you want or need from a person. It goes from what is for all to what is for you. So, feel free to be selfish. Ensure you get the full value, benefit, and meaning from our time together. Make me work. Don't make it easy for me. Draw me. Stretch me. Please.

Now let us pick up from where we stopped last time. 

More to You than Sheer Knowledge:

Doesn't it amaze you how some of us, who claim we know so much, don't necessarily live up to the standard or height we profess, despite our sincerity of purpose? As it pertains to what we do or how we act under each circumstance and situation life presents to us, we know that matters. 

Generally speaking, we each make decisions with our emotions (including men), then use our rationality to deceive ourselves that we made a rational decision. A key driver in more cases than not is the way the decision makes us feel. Fortunately, or unfortunately, not all that feels good is good. In the same token, not all that feels bad is bad.

That leaves us in need of other systems to survive and actualize the worthy ideals we cling unto and cherish. One of the immediate things we do to ensure adherence to what we believe is setting boundaries. We touched a bit on this on our first visit together. Those of you who were not in on that might want to check it out. You'll find it here.

Locus of control is only one of the four (4) dimensions that define a person's disposition to life. The other three are neuroticism, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. If we are going to fully harness the strength and power humility and meekness holds, we need first to own all these aspects that make us shine, or not. Come with me on a journey to own these.

Neuroticism:

Neuroticism is a personality trait description. It is one of the five (5) higher-order personality trait descriptions, the other four being Extraversion (or Introversion), Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, and Openness. One would ask why is "Neuroticism" the only one of these defining the core of a person. Well, hold on to that thought. I believe it is self-explanatory as one understands what Neuroticism is.

Britannica defines Neuroticism as "the degree to which a person experiences the world as distressing, threatening, and unsafe." The dictionary defines it as "being characterized by instability, anxiety, aggression, etc." It is "an emotionally unstable character, condition, or trait." It is "the condition of often feeling worried and nervous, often because of mental illness."

In a simple, layman, every day, and streetwise sense and language, without needing to waste words, "Neuroticism" refers to the measure of how damaged a person is. It is the extent to which the programming of a person's Central Processing Unit (CPU, Brain, Mind) has been corrupted. In a sense, it is a measure of how mentally sick a person is. 

Damaged people are more likely than average to be moody and experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.

The Real World:

Like every other trait, neuroticism is a spectrum. We all have a taint of it by the very reason of being human. We are all crazy to some extent. We just might not be clinically crazy. I love the way Alain de Botton, the Swiss-born British philosopher, and the author relates this to romanticism's failure. I have fallen in love with Alain ever since I first heard him speak. You can connect via the School of Life.

Alain attests that we are each deeply crazy in one way or the other, and in building a relationship, we owe each other knowledge of our type of craziness. That way, there are no surprises, and our individual craziness can be better managed. Alain says, “Compatibility is an achievement of love. It cannot be its precondition.” Compatibility is the result of the work of love and not the engine of love.

Alain aligns with the truths, "soulmates are not found, they are made"; "no marriage is made in heaven, they have to be lived out here on earth." Each of us is effectively flawed. What makes for love is our ability to flaunt our flawsomeness. Whereas romanticism is looking for our angels and is thus disappointed by reality. No surprise the high rate of divorce in our society. 

Alain says, “We must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. It’s not. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times. That’s the best we can manage as the creature we are. It’s no fault of mine or yours; it’s to do with being human. And the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we‘ll have of doing the arduous work of love.”

How Neurotic Are You?

Each of us needs to know how neurotic we are and the person we want to make a relationship commitment with. The question is not whether you are neurotic or not. The question, rather, is by how much? Do you need professional help? If yes, get it. If not, the question then is, how do you manage your neuroticism on your own such that it does not interfere with your life?

On one end of the Neuroticism Spectrum is Neuroticism, while on the other end is Emotional Stability. No one is 100 % either. That is to say, there is no 100% perfectly bad or perfectly good human being. Responsibility behooves us to know where we fall on the spectrum and own what we find. Owning it is the beginning of our journey towards wholeness. That is a push towards the Emotional Stability end.

Here is a link to a free test for the big five personality traits. Take it and capture where you presently are. Any result you get is good. It is your flawsomeness. Own it. You are you. Note your strengths and weaknesses, and use them. Your strengths tell you where and what you can build excellence in and on, respectively. The more you own these, what you will observe is moving the dials toward the positive attributes over time.

Interlude:

Well, we are at another stopping point. Wish I could go on and on, but that would be rather selfish and a waste. We are each human, meaning we are limited in the attention span and processing of information per time. So, I'll leave you to digest this little. Feel free to send in whatsoever question you have. Never forget, this is a communication channel. We'll pick up from here next time around. 

Thanks for your time. Hope this helps you. Let me know. A special welcome to all our new faces on the "Single and Blessed" community page. Thanks for being God's stamp of approval on what we are doing. Thanks for entrusting us with your time. I trust you'll not regret it in any way. Take a snapshot of your life today. Transformation is going to hit you like you've never seen before. Welcome home.

You know I love you. Keep occupying. Keep reigning. You have been activated to breakthrough. You have the mandate.

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