Sunday 31 March 2024

Showing Affection in Relationship | Part Five.

Words are powerful, and sure is another way by which we show affection. Gary Chapman rightly codes it as, "Words of Affirmation." These are words which make us feel good and confident about our selves.

We all arrived on this strange planet clueless and lost as to who we are, where we are, and how to harness both. Our parents and the authority figures in our lives were meant to give us roots, but as imperfect being, so often live less than expected.

This leaves us damaged in one form or the other, babies in adult skins, looking for the affirming we did not get. Looking for someone to tell us,

"We are beauty, in and out. We are enough. We are capable. We matter. We belong. We are deserving of love."

There is a boy in every man, and a girl in every woman, who wants and needs to hear those kind words. And, it is NEVER enough. Our hearts craves for a continual reassuring. We want to know and hear,

"someone sees us, hears us, knows we exist, and thus loves us."

Touching is good. Saying it is also equally great. It gives life and meaning to the touching. For one can be touched for varied range of reasons. Words makes sense of the touching and guards it to its "bulleye" target, the heart. Words and touching do not replace one another. Rather, they compliment one another. And, they never grow old.
"I love you. You are beautiful. You must have been created on a Sunday evening, after God rested." 
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach.” ― Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
So, words of affirmation and physical touch mean a lot to me, as a person. They fill my tank and give me all the right feelings of friendship, love, and lust. They make me platonic, romantic, and sexual. It is up to me to ensure I stay as the master and direct the energies they create in such away as to increase me and my relationships, not deprecate them.

Quality time is another way by which we get affected and affect others. This is not a love language for me, for supposedly obvious reasons. I am an introvert. I seek and crave for solitude. I am a recovering workaholic and perfectionist. Three potentially bad and disastrous factors that can kill a love relationship.

Quality time happens to be the love language for my wife and children. Hence, my work is well cut out. I cannot afford to build my familial and romantic relationships by mere instincts. I have to go outside the box and my comfort zone, lest I lose them. I still have a whole lot of work to do in this wise.

When it comes to quality time, the adjective is just as important as the noun. It is not just the time spent, but the quality of the time, its focus, and objectives. It must be such as to make the object of the time feel seen, heard, and thus loved. It is not about what I define as quality, but what the object defines as such.

It is a nurturing time of friendship and connection. It needs to be out of the normal routine, hence, needs to cost something. The cost is the meat of the game. It shows how much the object of your affection is worth. It does not have to be expensive. It only needs to cost in at least time devoted.

And, really it is not as much as how long, but how well you give attention to your spouse in the time that you have, within your normal busy and hectic schedule. It is answering the age old question, "Lovest me more than these?"

Notice your spouse. Notice the important people in your life. It means the world to them. It ought to mean the world to you too.

 The Saint.


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