Sunday 20 September 2020

Marriage will Change You (Part Two): Compatibility

We Are Devote To Make It Work 

"When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." — Anonymous.


As it relates to marriage, people are taught to look for someone compatible with them. It means both parties need to have some basic, fundamental commonalities that bring them together. This does not mean they have to agree on every single thing. No two people are entirely compatible. It is okay to agree to disagree respectfully. It takes nothing away from your marriage and or relationship. Instead, it enriches it.

If you are dating someone who agrees with you on every single topic, there is a problem. Don’t rejoice. You are dating either a dead person or a phony. Someone is out to devour you. If your spouse agrees with you on every single issue, you are in trouble. Don’t rejoice. You have been marked for the slaughter. He or she has simply gone into a state of passivity. He/she is merely marking time either to leave or get back at you.

God has not made any two persons precisely alike. That is why it is called “PERSONALITY” – that which makes a person unique. If your partner is exactly like you, in every single way, then one of you is useless. Until you are confident and comfortable in your personality, you are not ready for marriage. Please don’t marry a person who is uncomfortable with their nature or yours for those yet dating. If you do, you are entering an already failed marriage.

Compatibility, The Myth:

Compatibility is actually overrated. We think compatibility is something that drops from heaven. Really? We have been inundated with wrong teachings and silly phantom conjectures that one person is meant for us. Really? That person, they say, who we are the missing rib of, or who is our missing rib. 

These are voiced by supposed marriage authorities, teaching from their imagination's vanity, without a taint of reality. These are themselves captives of "Romanticism." Having lost the way of the fathers is trying to fashion their way. The increasing divorce rate is a testament to the truth; there is more to marriage than that initial taint of chemistry.

I myself have had the funny experience of a friend I loved and truly wanted to settle with telling me we are not compatible as an excuse for not saying yes to me. Really? This was simply because, about a week prior, I corrected her on something I felt was wrong. Rather than being open to discussing it, she was bent on arguing. 

That was one of the few occasions, if not only one, I walked off without telling her good night. I was offended at her close-mindedness. We had known each other for about five (5) years before this. For me, it was love at first sight, but it never progressed. My friend was sold out on "Romanticism, and I was a young, stupid, and growing man of faith.

Marriage is Hard Work. Period!

Marriage is hard work, simply. It does not matter how you get into it, whether it be compatibility, arranged marriage, or however else, only one thing remains unchanged - hard work. Period! There is no free pass to the work that is required in keeping your home together. The true "Compatibility" that keeps a marriage together is rather an achievement of love and not its precondition, Alain de Botton exposes. Compatibility is the result of the work of love and not necessarily the engine of love.

I love the way Alain Badiou expresses it. He says, "Love is not a contract between two narcissists. It's more than that. It's a construction that compels the participants to go beyond narcissism. So that love lasts, one has to reinvent oneself."

And Tim Keller takes us home with, "Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. You will have to make changes that you don’t want to make, and so will your spouse. The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it is not because you married a perfectly compatible person. That person doesn’t exist."

© 2015 Akin Akinbodunse


  1. This is a true teaching. Very simple and direct for those who want to understand marriage. Infact our success in marriage is directly proportional to our level of relationship with God 🙏 relationship

    1. Very well said. We have to win the battle over our self before we can adequate relate with others, especially our spouse.



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