Questions and Answers (Twenty One): Who to Marry?

QUESTION:

How can I know who to marry?

ANSWER:

This is no different from the questions we ask each time we are about to make a major change or decision in our life. It is occasioned by the fact we do not know the future. None of us has been there before. So, we are careful to take the right step forward, so as to give us the right landing. Like any other major decision, we need to always start from/with what we know. Then, try to make a projection into the future.

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it." – Lion King

Most people miss this very important step in life by simply following their fears and emotions. Hence, they end up repeating the mistakes of their lineage. That is why people from broken homes tend to marry into a broken home. People with an abusive parent or parents tend to marry an abusive spouse. They are unconsciously motivated and drawn towards that which is normal for them. The thing themselves ration, but somethings in them are looking for what feeds it. Like Carl Gustav Jung rightly said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

"One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end." – Jiddu Krishnamurti

To quote Warren W. Wiersbe, “Those who do not know the past are condemned to repeat it.” Patrick Henry puts it this way, “I know of no way of judging the future but by the past.” So, this is not a decision we jump into or leave to chance. It is one we make with our brains fully switched on and our eyes very wide open. Never forget, true love is not blind. Lust might be blind. Infatuations might be blind. True love is not blind. It is the product of the heart and head, and sometimes the guts also. Head alone is not good enough. The heart alone could be misleading.

"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener." – Anonymous

True love always counts the cost. Timothy Keller puts it this way, “Real love, the bible says, instinctively desires permanence.” We are not here talking about meeting someone on Friday, getting engaged on Saturday, and marrying on Sunday. Our reference here is to someone you want to go the distance with. Someone you want to do the forever with. So, you’ve got to ask the right questions.

"The essence of true love is mutual recognition-two individuals seeing each other as they really are." – Bell Hooks

Step 1: You’ve got to ask questions of yourself what kind of a future are you looking for? What is your idea of marriage? What do you, as a person, want out of marriage? What kind of a person (spouse) will fulfill my vision of marriage? What are the things you can compromise? What/where are your hard lines, things you are unwilling to give up?

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." – Aristotle

Step 2: What kind of person will attract the kind of person and marriage you are seeking? What does it take to be this kind of person? Am I willing to pay the price to be this kind of person? If yes, how do I start? What are the resources that will help me? (Never forget we do not necessarily get from life what we want. We get what we attract by the person we are, or become.)

"You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear." – Sammy Davis, Jr.

Step 3: If I am unwilling to be the kind of person that will attract the person and marriage I seek then there is a conflict in my value system. I need to recycle back to step number one and correct the things I might have wrongly stated. Then, repeat step 2 again.

"Self-worth comes from being true to your commitments, and it makes you more. There is something about being true to one’s self and staying with one’s commitment that fortifies one’s life. It keeps one from the dangers of drifting, creating focus and the accompanying power."

Repeat steps 1 to 3 till you are able to ascertain in yourself the action plan for going for Mr. or Miss. Right. Then go for it. When you meet Mr. or Miss Right You will know. For your heart will tell you. Your preparedness will affirm or annul it, and guide you in the path of life.

Hoping this helps.

© 2015 Akin Akinbodunse

Links to Series:

Questions and Answers (Twenty)
Questions and Answers (Twenty Two)

Links to Other Resources:
13 Women, You Should Never Marry (Mary Colbert)
Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (John T. Molloy)
Be the Person You want to Find (Cheri Huber)
The Wait (Devon Franklin and Meagan Good)