Tuesday, 21 September 2021

'Tis Working in My Favor.

“There is something good in all seeming failures. You are not to see that now. Time will reveal it. Be patient.” ― Swami Sivananda.

This was difficult for me to understand eleven (11) years ago, as I dipped into my first major depression. I was tired. What I had invested my energy, and practically my blood into did not come out as I had planned. Yet, being me, I had broadcasted the stages to all, who were expecting to hear the result. The disappointment, shame, and seeming wasted effort overwhelmed me.

What's more, people all around me seemed to have been making money, while I was busy on this one-headed adventure, I gave my all. As the result became apparent, I started diverting funds towards the reigning investment "soap opera." Unknown to me, the main crop had been harvested. I was entering at the tail end of the bandwagon. Hence, crashed, as expected, when the balloon busted.

This was the story of my life as I descended into two (2) years of depression. What took me down that road? It was not the things that happened to me. Yes, they contributed, but they did not take me into the depression of their own accord. So, what did? One, I was exhausted - physically, and psychologically. I had put in me all, including missed vacations. It did not turn out as I expected. 

Yet more than the above, I began to allow the events to define me. I interpreted it as a curse running over my life. And, I just might have been correct. I started asking the questions, "why is it that I don't finish things?" "Did someone just bewitch me?" "With my twenty-five (25) years adventure in spirituality, how could this have happened to me?" "How could I have don't something this stupid?" Will I ever catch up, financially again?" 

I practically lost faith in myself. What started with me in control got to the place of no return, the place where something takes the hold of you and has a life of its own. It's call depression. All I could see was darkness. I could not stay alone in a room. Sleep became an alien. Faith was gone, and all I had was unbelief. It was visible in my bodily construct. Yes, I could still pull a few moments, but in totality, I was not in control.

I need not enumerate the fact it affected everything - home, work, etc. My saving grace was my daily routine. Though nothing fresh was coming out of my quiet times, I did not give up on them. Though the word was not as lifting as it once was, I chased after it at every opportunity. Drove all the way out from Bakersfield to Longbeach, California to attend the Victory Campaign. The Word did not hit me as it use to, but I kept pushing.

I kept pushing till I got the word I needed. It was, "cast not away your confidence, for it is of a great recompense of reward." That was what brought me back to life. I realized the cavalry ain't coming. If I am going to get out of this it is going to take me, no one else. No one else could pull my boot strings as I could. There ain't no help coming from anywhere, not even from heaven. If I was going to come back to life, it was going to be me. 

I had to live up to the call of life. And, here I am today. I have made back everything I ever lost, and I am today on a very good trajectory, excelling all I ever dreamt or imagined. Everything I went through, the questions of my heart all got answered. I am who I am today, only because I went through hell, but did not stop there.

St. Akin de Great.


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