Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Fighting The Enemies of Marriage (Part Five)

Lack of Commitment (Part Four): Fear of Commitment
Commitment, or the lack thereof, is a learned behavior. It can be learned/unlearned to suit the kind of life we desire. It is true we each have different dispositions to commitment. This is based on our personality, history and environment. It is also equally true, and more so, we are neither prisoners of our biology, nor are we prisoners of our history or environment. In fact, we create our environment, based on our way and level of thinking - our philosophy. We can make the changes we need to improve the quality of our life and our relationship, if only we choose to. No excuses allowed.
Commitment. This is my favorite word because in some way, people who are committed are always much more interesting and much more reliable, and much more, I would say, deep than people who are not. (Carlos Ghosn)
To take a closer look at this we identify four (4) different groupings, as it relates to commitment in a marital relationship.
  1. Those that live with and are deterred by an ever present fear of commitment
  2. Those that commit, but are never fully committed
  3. Those who commit (or want to) but are distracted 
  4. Those fully committed
(I'll love to tell you otherwise, but the truth is, there is no real science behind these groupings. They are simply grouped for the ease of gleaning and covering the broad spectrum of our subject matter.)
The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment. (Tony Robbins)
The fear of commitment is a natural thing. It is a part of our humanness, frailty, brokenness and limitedness. It is one that finds its place and rest with/in our lower nature. The more we yield to our lower nature, the more fear we give room to. The more we yield to our higher nature the more faith, hope, love and commitment we give room to. For, we raise ourselves to a higher ideal and standard. And, we expect and provoke it in one another.
You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear. (Sammy Davis, Jr.)
When we give room to our higher nature we realize and live with/in the full knowledge of where our value lies. It does not lie in what we have; where we've been; what we have done or can do. It lies simply in the fact we are human - flaws and all. There is no place for shame, or seeking for cover. We are human and we've got all it takes. We are human and we are enough. We are sufficient. That is the core of the strength of commitment. For, until we are sufficient in our own self, we cannot be sufficient with someone else.
Our value...lies simply in the fact we are human - flaws and all.
See me for the depth of my soul. Cherish me for my essence. Respect me for my mind, my purity of heart. Love me, with all my stories and scars included. Love me, for me – raw, perfectly flawed me. And I, my darling, will make your world beautiful. (Unknown)
I love the way Stephen Covey puts it in his book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." He says,
Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.
We come into life naked and needy - dependent. That is not our home. Life demands of us to grow. It demands of us to discover. It demands of us, to discover what a unique and one of a kind person we are. It demands of us to see the treasure in the mirror. It demands of us, to love and appreciate the treasure for who he/she is - flaws and all. Knowing he/she is special and deserves the very best life has to offer. 
When you make a commitment to a relationship, you invest your attention and energy in it more profoundly because you now experience ownership of that relationship. (Barbara De Angelis)
Until we do, we will never be independent. Until we do we will never be mature. Until we do, we will never be free. Until we do, we will never be ready for the next phase. Until we do, we will never be able to raise our game. Until we do, we will never be in readiness for a healthy, enduring, life-giving relationship. Until we do, we will never be able to truly release our self to someone else. Until we do, we can only be filled with excuses, not love.   
Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes... but no plans. (Peter Drucker)
Independence is scary, I know, but it is our only choice. It is our only path to interdependency. It is our only path to life - true life. You are not going to jump from dependency to interdependency. If you have not learnt to be alone with yourself, you cannot live with someone else. Period! If you have not learnt how to tune your own fork, how are you going to know how to tune it in gaining harmony with another person's? It has nothing to do with the other person. It has all to do with you, and what you are bringing to the center, what you are bringing to the table, what you are bringing to the relationship.
The task that remains is to cope with our interdependence - to see ourselves reflected in every other human being and to respect and honor our differences. (Melba Pattillo Beals)
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