Wednesday 27 March 2024

Showing Affection in Relationship | Part Three.

Physical touch is one of the most universal languages, if not at the very top. It is a sure way to our hearts. Uncultured, it can floor us. Cultured, it can be the door to the most wonderful sphere, utopia life has to offer.

Out of ignorance and fear of its potency, some cults restrict it. They refuse things like handshakes between the opposite sex, yet burn with uncontrolled passion within. The chains they impose only act as a dam. The dam can only hold so much water.

That which is supposed to save us they allow to keep us prisoners, immature, and never coming to age. We learn and subjugate the art of physical touch by doing, not thinking about it. Affection is God-given and seeks expression.

Affection is like a river. It seeks to flow from one being to another. That is the very essence of being humans - to feel and be felt, to affect and be affected by others. Physical touch is one of the key ways in which we do that.
"Without language, thought is a vague, uncharted nebula." ― Ferdinand de Saussure.
We are created to touch and be touched. It is one of the five ways our brain receives information or stimuli. Obviously, not all touches are the same. The brain interprets each one based on our paradigm and experience of life and tells us how to respond.

One of the most popular ways by which we communicate affection, through physical touch, is by hugging. That is to squeeze (someone) tightly in one's arms. This is found in virtually all human communities. It is a form of endearment.

A hug can range from a brief one-second squeeze to an extended holding. The length of a hug in any situation is socially, culturally, and emotionally determined. And, could mean different things at different times and occasions.

An unexpected hug can be regarded as an invasion of a person's personal space, but if it is reciprocated, it is an indication that it is welcome. Typically, people sense the energy (emotions) in the atmosphere before initiating a hug.

 The Saint.

#affection

Monday 25 March 2024

Showing Affection in Relationship | Part Two.

Maya Angelou teaches us, "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." This is true for most people, but not necessarily everyone. There are probably a few who don't appreciate it due to a damage or so in their history.

Generally, though, physical touch is a universal love language that cuts across tribes, cultures, and tongues. It is one of the most potent non-verbal way we communicate affection to one another. In scriptures, we read of Abraham and Sarah sporting. In today's English, the word "sporting" can easily be replaced with the word "fondling."

The extent of the fondling we allow or we give tells a great deal of how deep we are in our relationship, and how far we want the relationship to go. Abimelech could tell, by their fondling, the nature of Abraham and Sarah's relationship. He could tell where it was coming from, where it was, and where it was going to.

Sometimes people deceive themselves by sporting without intentions of commitment, nor preparedness for the possible end result(s). Why light a fire you cannot handle? Physical touch speaks volumes. Don't start something you cannot finish. Have healthy and functional boundaries around all your relationships. Know which type of physical touches you will allow and not allow, and let it be clear to all. 

Define your space, your territory, such that an intruder will know when the boundaries are tresspassed. Don't say, what you don't want to say by your physical touch. If you are married, you sure need to be doing more sporting, more fondling. This is more for the men. Our women want to be touched not just when you want to enter. If that is the only time you touch them, they feel used.

Make it a custom to touch your spouse from time to time, and often, especially away from when the real deal is about to go down. It opens the way for the entering when the real game is about to start. Our women want to be touched. Our men too want to be touched. They want to feel wanted and needed.

Let's touch.

#affection

Sunday 24 March 2024

Book Club with The Saint | The Good Life | Chapter Seven | The Person Beside You | Part Eight.


#bookclubwiththesaint #bookreview #thegoodlife #relationship #whatislove #emotions #vulnerability

Welcome to our Book Club. So glad to have you join us. 

We continue reading our Sixth Featured Book, "The Good Life," by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz. This is our eighth and final reading into Chapter Seven: "The Person Beside You." It keeps expanding, the more I read it.

Get yourself a seat, tighten your belt, and let us take flight. 

The Saint.

Showing Affection in Relationship | Part One.

Affection is one of the two most important emotions in a relationship. The other being empathy. Affection is simply the emotion evoked when you affect or make an impression on someone, or when someone does the same to you.

It is a gentle feeling of warmth, caring, liking, and fondness that one has towards another person. It is what draws people together, or creates the chemistry between two people. It is the attraction that makes you think you have found yourself in another person.
"Language is the key to the heart of people." ― Ahmed Deedat.
We all have our own different ways of showing affection and what moves us. Those two can be different for different persons. What is affection to one person might not necessarily be affection to someone else. Hence, if we want to show affection to a person, we must know what moves their needle, and not assume they are us.

That is the foundation of the love languages. Everyone has their own languages of affection. If you want to touch a person's heart, then you MUST speak in a language the person understands. This is not meant to be an hurdle in our relationships, but rather an enhancer and barrier breaker.

The Saint.

#affectionate #Affection


Friday 22 March 2024

How to Practice Empathy with Your Spouse | Part Three.


Every normal human being has a good reason for what they do. That is the way we are created. We do things we are convinced of doing. Even an armed robber has a good reason for stealing. It might not be in agreement with the law, but it sure is in agreement with his conscience, otherwise they will not do it.

So, the way to reach a person is not by throwing things over the fence. Empathy is about walking in the other person's shoes, irrespective of what those shoes might be. Then, and only then, can the person consider your own shoes.

The way to arouse the right emotions in your spouse is not by always going against their idea or way of seeing things. That only provokes them to defend their position, irrespective of how stupid it might be. You have to appreciate their person and see their perspective first. Only then can they agree to see yours.

People don't care about how right or wrong you are. They care first about how you make them feel. You can be logical all you want, if they don't feel you, you are all but noise. When you validate their feelings, you win them to your side. And guess what, they are ready and willing to be your doll thereafter.

Assumption is the lowest level of knowledge. It is block to our ability to show empathy. When in doubt, there is no harm in seeking clarity. Our questions, if nothing else, shows taht we care and want to be a part of our spouse's life.

Don't ask the questions you are not ready for the answer to. It will be foolishness to start something you cannot finish. Don't ask to make the situation was. Ask to make the situation better. Remember quality questions equate to quality answers.

And, lastly, NEVER be in a hurry to answer back. Let your words be seasoned with salt. Taste them first and ensure they will build and not destroy your relationship. Don't give your spouse a piece of your mind. Give your spouse a piece of your heart.

 The Saint.

#EmpathyWins


Wednesday 20 March 2024

How to Practice Empathy with Your Spouse | Part Two.

We show empathy in a relationship by paying attention to non-verbal cues. This is more for the male gender than for the female gender. Female gender, typically have this in their DNA. Not so for the male gender.

We are too prone to doing that we miss the salient echo behind the noise. Even as a therapist, I have to always remind myself of this. My wife the other day was narrating a friend's feedback on one of our houses, and I already jumped into trying to solve the problem.

That was not what she needed. She simply wanted to talk. She wanted to engage. She wanted me to listen to her heart, her person, not solve the problem. Well, I had to catch myself midstream and get back on track.

Never forget, that communication is only 7-45% verbal. The rest is non-verbal. There is a whole lot you are missing when you focus only on verbal communication. And, until you hear, your spouse does not feel seen, and thus, not loved, nor connected.

Closely following the ability to listen to non-verbal cues is the ability to stay silent, especially when you have no words to make the occasion better. There is a whole lot that silence says that words have no clue about.

When you don't respond to a raging spouse, you transmute the energy in motion (emotions) to better use. You become the adult in the relationship. You as it were respond, rather than react. You choose your words to make the situation better not worse.

When you visit one grieving, you don't have to be like Job's friends, speaking vain words. Nothing you say could undo what has happened. What the person needs is the assurance of your presence and standing with and for.

Silence says, "I am here for and with you. We are in this together, on the same side."

The Saint.

#empathy


Monday 18 March 2024

How to Practice Empathy with Your Spouse | Part One.

One of the ways we show empathy is by actively listening to others. When we actively listen, we are attending to the speaker. Attention is the greatest gift we can give to another, more so our spouse.

We cannot connect without giving attention. Not giving attention is how couples grow apart. It does not happen overnight. It happens over a time-space. The couples slowly drift away till they cannot recognize one another.

Attention is the anchor that keeps the station of the relationship. And, one of the ways we attend to our spouse and our relationship is active listening. Not listening to respond, but simply being present in the moment.

Another way by which we can evoke empathy in our relationship is by using our imagination. Don't forget empathy is the ability to be in tune with the energy of the moment. Your imagination helps you to switch roles, and live the golden rule.

If I was in the other's shoes how would I want to be related or spoken with? This will go a long way in delivering those who try to force their spouse into a mold different from their spouse's personality. You must never forget, It is not about you, nor your idol.

It is about the other person, your spouse in this instance. How will they want to be rubbed in this moment, this instance? What will make them come alive? Remember, again the first part of the paradox of healthy relations?

"A healthy relationship is one in which people enter into, not because of what they want, but what they can give..." Giving is the very essence of empathy.

The Saint.

#empathy #relationship 






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